Sayid and the Magical Pineapple
by Hoogiman
Summary: Sayid meets a freaking pineapple. THE END.
1. Sayid meets the pineapple

Sayid and the Magical Pineapple  
By Hoogiman

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Lost.

**Note: **For the sake of continuity and the avoidance of show spoilers in reviews: any characters that have ever died in the series are still alive.

**Note 2: **This story is bad.

**Chapter One**

Sayid sat on the beach, giggling incessantly because he figured out how to use a click pen. It was almost a year after the crash, and almost everyone had been driven to insanity by the lack of rescue, the lack of comfort and the random unexplained dragons that appeared offering candy and weapons to the islanders.

"I need a friend," thought Sayid to himself, suddenly ever so slightly depressed.

"I can be your friend!" said an over-cheerful Hurley, playing a tune on an imaginary coconut.

"A real friend!" said Sayid angrily, punching Hurley in the face. "You're not real!"

"Those fools," said the gigantic pineapple, floating towards Sayid, "They think they can convince you that they're actually real!"

"I know," said Sayid angrily, "I get all of these constant human posers that try and convince them that they're real! And none of them are!"

"Let's have some fun!" said the pineapple.

"Yay!" replied Sayid in a kiddy voice.

"What'cha doing?" asked Libby, walking up to Sayid in a surprisingly clean-looking outfit.

"I'm playing with Mr. Pineapple Num Nums!" said Sayid cheerfully.

"Uh… you do realise you're a bit old to be playing with an imaginary friend, right?" asked Libby, going all 'look at me I can psychoanalyse people because I was a crazy person' on Sayid.

"You don't think I'm real?" asked an infuriated pineapple.

Libby did not respond, mainly because the pineapple's presence was quite lacking.

"**IF YOU DON'T THINK I'M REAL, THEN I WILL HAVE TO TAKE THE APPROPRIATE CONSEQUENCES!**" shrieked the pineapple, in all-caps.

"Sayid, is there something wrong?" asked Libby.

"THAT'S IT!" screamed the giant pineapple, crushing Libby to death.

"W- why did you do that?" cried Sayid.

The pineapple gave Sayid a click pen.

"Tehehehehehee," laughed Sayid incessantly, forgetting the day's dramatic incidents.

**The End**

Review or I will continue!


	2. Hurley goes to Burger King!

Sayid and the Magical Pineapple  
By Hoogiman

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Lost.

**Note:** Sorry for this chapter being (somehow) worst than the first chapter.

**Chapter Two**

Hurley, still enchanted by magical visions of sugarplums and other various hallucinated dancing anthropomorphic foods woke up in a daze, confused and dizzy. The aroma of fried and greased products filled the air, making him stand up gracefully, like a ballerina. After blinking several dozen times and realising his surroundings, a grin appeared on his face; he had been rescued, and was placed in a fast food restaurant! He waltzed his way through the restaurant to a table with a soft velvet chair. After he sat down, a perfectly symmetrical burger appeared on a plate in front of him, with some leanly cut chips on the side.

He picked up the burger with his two hands, and placed it into his mouth, the rough texture of the-

"OW!" screamed Hurley, falling backwards onto a large pile of sand. Hurley was back on the beach, (which explains the sand) no-one else to be seen.

"What a rip-off dream!" shouted Hurley angrily, "And the dream also gave me a sharp pain in my back!"

"It wasn't a dream…" said the magical pineapple, floating over to Hurley.

"Then what was it?" asked Hurley, confused.

"It was reality! I transported you to America so you could experience the wonderful tastes of McDonalds!" said the pineapple.

"But I didn't taste anything!" said Hurley angrily.

"I know," said the pineapple.

…

"Then why did you say, 'the wonderful tastes of McDonalds' if there wasn't any taste that I experienced?" asked Hurley.

"Oh," said the pineapple, "Well, I can let you have the wonderful tastes of a McDonalds Burger under one tiny condition… you **kill **someone on this island."

"Forget it!" said Hurley dismissively, "I would never kill another human being, even if it was for all of the burgers in the world! No way! Nuh-huh!"

…

"What if I took you to Burger King?" asked the pineapple.

**A few minutes later…**

"Uh… Claire?" said Hurley, "Can I borrow your baby? Not for… homicidal reasons…"

"Sure," said Claire, "Under the condition that you do not kill him so you can obtain a burger from some fast food chain in America, okay?"

…

"Sure… I wouldn't hurt him!" chuckled Hurley, trying to obscure Claire's view of the knife.

Claire looked angrily at Hurley.

"What?" asked Hurley, trying to sound angry.

**A few minutes later…**

"Hey Eko," said Hurley, "I was just wondering if I could-"

The Black Smoke came from nowhere, and killed Eko.

The pineapple appeared.

"Did you do that?" asked the pineapple.

"Sure…" said Hurley.

**At Burger King…**

"Welcome to Burger King!"

"Can I have a double whopp-" Hurley looked at the cashier, realising it was one of the others.

"Now to kill you and use you as meat!" said the cashier and the pineapple simultaneously, at the same time, together, in unison.

"That's okay, because I will use my karate!" said Hurley heroically, going into his fighting stance.

Hurley slipped over a meat bun, and fell backwards.

"Ow."

**The End**

Review or I will continue!


	3. The Case of the Missing Burger

Sayid and the Magical Pineapple  
By Hoogiman

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Lost.

**Chapter Three**

Sayid was fuming with an emotion that he had not experienced for a long time: anger. He could feel his heart rate increase and a large stich-like pain passing through his chest, a burning sensation. Red in the face, he stormed up to Sawyer and looked at him right in the eyes. Why was he angry? Was his girlfriend killed? No. Was his social status on the island demolished with a humiliating act on Sawyer's part? No. Did Sawyer steal his beloved gun collection? Surprisingly not. The reason why his head was as heated at a stove was much more serious than any of the above explanation.

"What's up, Tarzan?" said Sawyer, smirking at the fact that he cracked his twelfth joke today involving taking a character from some old book or movie and applying it as someone's nickname.

"Where did my burger go?" said an irate Sayid, pushing Sawyer to the ground.

"Easy there, 'Jungle Boy'," said Sawyer, laughing at his witty repartee.

"That's not funny," said Sayid, standing over Sayid angrily. "Now where did you put my burger from Burger King? I saved it from the flight for all of that time, and you just ate it!"

Sayid took a knife, and poked Sawyer's neck with it gently.

"Dude, what are you doing?" asked Hurley walking past, enjoying his burger.

"He took my Burger King burger!" cried Sayid childishly, "I saved it for all of that time and he just ate it!"

"I guess that's why this burger tastes so cold," muttered Hurley.

"Pardon?" asked Sayid, still angry.

"Uh… I saw him take it! Beat him up!" said Hurley, obscuring Sayid's view of the food in his hand.

"But Hurley-"

"How dare you!" said Sayid, punching Sawyer in the face.

The magical pineapple appeared and yelled, "Break up the fight!"

"Sorry Mr. Pineapple Num Nums!" said Sayid, standing up.

"We all know you ate the burger," said the pineapple harshly, winking at Hurley, "So therefore you must be punished!"

"I didn't take your freaking burger!" said Sawyer angrily, "And I wouldn't eat a year-old burger! I'd probably get food poisoning from the mold!"

"I need to go to the toilet," said Hurley shiftily, "Not because I've suddenly got food poisoning from Sayid's burger…"

Hurley ran away.

…

"Well, I guess that ends the day's misfortunes!" laughed Sayid.

"Not yet," said the pineapple, crushing Sawyer with his pineapple-ness.

"OH MY GAWSH, WHY DID YOU DO THAT?" screamed an alarmed Sayid.

The pineapple gave Sayid a novelty watch.

"Teehee," said Sayid, laughing incessantly at the novelty.

**The End**

Review or I will continue!


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